I was too tired to stay up beyond 01:30. I set my alarm for 04:00 and fell asleep quickly.

Turned on the TV a couple of minutes after 4, and saw that No was ahead 51 to 49 after 7 results declared. I couldn’t handle the feverish excitement of the TV commentators. I turned the sound off. Rather than stay up to watch more results come in, I set my alarm again for 06:00.

I tossed and turned for two hours, hoping that the later results might be positive enought to overturn No’s lead, heart pounding in fear they wouldn’t. Wondering how I would react to a final No outcome.

I checked the time at 05:59, seconds before my alarm would have sounded. Turned on the TV, saw the camera panning over cheering No supporters. 55 to 45.

First Minister’s speech following defeat. Self-congratulation over the high turnout, but no change.

So here I am, alone in a tiny hotel room, watching TV with the sound turned off, crying.