If you’re unfortunate enough not to live in an area covered by cable or BT’s sporadic ADSL service, you used to be limited to dial-up. But the British government and communication regulators have been very keen to show that Britain is “showing global leadership” with regard to the adoption of broadband. So BT (provider of the UK’s telephone infrastructure) has been urged to speed up their roll-out plans, and to look into alternative technologies to serve hard-to-reach areas (like Scotland).
Hence: Midband. Midband is neither dial-up nor broadband, but a demented hybrid that combines the worst aspects of both, and then discards any vestiges of quality the sickly offspring might have retained. In fact, it’s ISDN. The meeting where the service was green-lighted must have gone something like this:
Senior Executive #1: Guys, we need to bridge the gap between dial-up and broadband. We can’t get broadband out to remote areas quickly enough, and if we don’t show some progress soon, I’ll be in danger of losing my six-figure bonus.
Senior Executive #2: It’s worse than that–some members of the board think they might miss out on a knighthood in the next honours list!
Senior Executive #1: Jesus.
Pause for deep thought and reflection upon the fickle nature of job security.
Junior Executive: Hey, why don’t we part-upgrade all the remote exchanges to something cheaper but slower than real broadband? We could call it, I don’t know, Midband?
Senior Executive #2: Mmm, nice. But we’d have to go back and re-upgrade all of the exchanges later. Future costs against current benefits. I’m not sure if the board would go for it.
Senior Executive #1: I like that Midband name, though.
Senior Executive #2: Catchy.
Junior Executive: Maybe we could use ISDN?
Senior Executive #2: But that’s just for businesses, isn’t it?
Junior Executive: Sort of. You can use it for videoconferencing and conference calls, but we could re-brand it…
Senior Executive #2: As “midband!”
Junior Executive: …and use it for internet services, too. And I think most exchanges support it already.
Senior Executive #1: Is it faster than dial-up, then?
Junior Executive: Each ISDN line runs at 64K, but you can “twin” two together to get 128K.
Senior Executive #2: So if people want it to go faster, we can actually charge them twice? I like it.
Senior Executive #1: But isn’t dial-up at 56K already? Surely 64K isn’t that much of an improvement.
Junior Executive: Well, 56K is only the theoretical maximum bandwidth for dial-up. Most of the time you get a lot less. ISDN guarantees the 64K bandwidth. So you’ll get a better quality of service.
Senior Executive #2: Service doesn’t sell. We’d have to emphasise the 128K speed instead.
Senior Executive #1: 56K dial-up, 512K broadband, with 128K midband sitting inbetween. It might convince the Minister that we’re not standing still.
Junior Executive: Yes, but remember that 128K uses two lines, so each call would be twice as expensive.
Senior Executive #1: Call? You still have to make a call? I thought broadband was always-on.
Junior Executive: Well, yes. But ISDN uses older technology than broadband. You still have to make a call, and it still ties up a phone line. The call does connect faster, though. About 4 seconds, rather than 20 or 30 for most dial-up services.
Senior Executive #2: Fantastic. So we can call it “instant-on!” I’m liking this more and more.
Junior Executive: Well…I suppose so. Bear in mind that I haven’t run this past the tech guys, or accounting. I still don’t know about the feasibility, or the costs…
Senior Executive #2: Don’t be so negative. People use ISDN already, don’t they? So it works. And people want speed. So if they can’t get broadband, they’re bound to want our Midband instead.
Junior Executive: I’m not sure…it might actually work out more expensive than either dial-up or broadband.
Senior Executive #2: But think of the speed. That’s what the public wants. They want fast internet. They’ll pay. Oh yes, they’ll pay. Mwahahaha!
Senior Executive #1: Are you feeling alright, Nick?
Senior Executive #2: I’m fine, George. Just a cough.
Junior Executive: Shouldn’t we ask the tech people? Just as a sanity check?
Senior Executive #1: Good idea.
Senior Executive #2: Bring forth the techie!
A door opens, and a wearing black trousers that are a little too short for him, and a white short-sleeved shirt with a ballpoint pen in the top pocket, is pushed through. He is blindfolded. He stumbles, then tentatively reaches for the cloth over his eyes. He unties it, and squints at the bright light.
Senior Executive #2: We’ve just decided that we’re going to use ISDN to offer our customers a “midband” internet service. We need you to tell us if it’s possible. It is possible isn’t it?
Token Techie: Yes, but…
Senior Executive #2: And we can make it available to more people than we can reach with broadband, can’t we?
Token Techie: Yes, but…
Junior Executive: And it does run at 128K, doesn’t it?
Token Techie: Yes, but…
Senior Executive #2: Well, that’s settled, then. Midband it is.
Junior Executive: Wait a moment. He looked like you had something else to say. Well, do you?
Token Techie: You’re looking for my opinion?
Senior Executive #2: (Simultaneously) No.
Junior Executive: (Simultaneously) Yes.
Token Techie: (Hesitant pause.) Really?
Senior Executive #1: Please, go ahead.
Token Techie: You want to offer a consumer service based on ISDN? Are you insane? It’s hard enough to make the damn thing work with dedicated hardware, for business customers who have technicians capable of handling it. Do you have any idea what it takes to make software services run on top of ISDN? You have an extra three service layer protocols to support just to get two computers talking to each other. Plug and play? Don’t make me laugh. And the cost? Have you thought about how much ISDN costs? Just because it’s slower than broadband doesn’t make it any cheaper. In fact, you’ll probably end up paying twice as much for half the service. You’re nuts if you seriously think people will buy iAAAARGHHHHHHHHH…..
Senior Executive #2: (Returns trapdoor lever to its original position.) That went well. Sounds like the bottom line is “yes.”
Senior Executive #1: Excellent. And it’s only eleven o’clock. Round of golf, Nick?
Senior Executive #2: I’d love to, George, but I’m getting a blow job from my secretary at noon.
Senior Executive #1: John, will you take care of all the details, then?
Junior Executive: Uh….
ISDN = It Still Does Nothing…
ISDN = I Still Don’t Need it…
Two of my favorites. A standard that took so long to finalize that it was obsolete before it went to market…
Mick
If you can’t get broadband ISDN is your only option.
I agree “Midband” is a crock of S***; 75 hours @ 128k. Just not good enough.
Personally I have a highway line, and use Freeserve anytime, both have proven very reliable
Can only do 64k, but no time limit; again broadband is cheaper (about £1.50 in it) but if there’s no Broadband in your area, this is the next best thing.
My exchange is upgraded soon, so roll on January 7th!!!
AJ