The reason I’m not giving this any more than three stars is because it is so infuriatingly, deliberately shallow. If it had just blundered on through a bunch of action sequences with no regard for the questions raised by its premiss (clones are being raised and kept in an isolated community, until their originals need them for spare parts, and two of them escape), that would simply be ordinarily shallow. But no. The screenplay places a handful of really interesting issues and questions right there in front of you–stuff that would go on to generate fascinating conflicts and emotional drama–and then completely ignores them in favour of blowing shit up.

For example, the US defense department is funding the cloning institute heavily. What are they getting out of it? How does this tie in with the President having a clone lying around? No answer. Also, the cloning institute’s scientists discover that somehow new model clones are acquiring the memories of their originals. Wow. What potential! So let’s just destroy the whole batch. And most egregiously, while on their escape run, Jordan Two Delta (Scarlett Johansson), whose original is lying in a coma awaiting her backup organs, gets to speak to her original’s child. The child asks, “Is that you, mommy?”

A moment like that is just begging for further exposition. Look at it: the moment is actually down on its knees weeping for attention. I believe this is known in the trade as a “heartfucker”, and you can not just ignore one. You can milk it for all it’s worth, you can twist it into a miraculously happy ending, but what you can’t do is back away from the scene and try to cover your tracks with a mighty car chase. OH WAIT YES YOU CAN APPARENTLY.

Sheesh. That’s what I mean by deliberately shallow. The production team knows there is a more intersting film here, but not only did they make a conscious choice not to make it, they also made a conscious choice to tantalize the audience with glimpses of what it could have been.

The reason I’m giving this as much as three stars is that the film they did make is still a pretty good action movie. A little slow to develop, a little implausible in the damage our heroes can sustain and still walk away, but still full of well-directed thrills and decently (if not spectacularly) acted characters. And what more could you ask for in a summer blockbuster?

No, wait…don’t get me started again….

Rob Cohen can direct vehicle action, but very little else. The scenes with people in them are dreadful, and the cliché count is so far off the scale, you could make a drinking game out of it. The morality–or lack of it–behind the script is simply scary. And the treatmen of artificial intelligence in the movies clearly hasn’t moved on since HAL. (Okay, perhaps a little Knight Rider has crept in around the edges, but still….)

On the positive side, Josh Lucas may be a man, but I totally would. Ditto Jessica Biel. They need to give their agents a good kicking for getting them into this mess, though.

When I saw this, and came away thinking, “yeah, that was okay”, I started to seriously wonder if my critical faculties are being eroded by hanging out in the presence of a four-year old. Because, you know, it’s a Herbie film.

But: it sorta works. It isn’t challenging or adventurous by any means (okay, it’s downright shoehorned in), but it has charm. So many remakes and series extensions feel like cynical pocket-money grabs that it’s pleasant to see one that feels like it is just trying to be a bit of good fun. The performances felt honest, like the cast were genuinely into their characters and cared about making the film work as a whole. Lindsay Lohan is always nice to drool over watch, and Justin Long deserves to see more headline screen time. Even Matt Dillon’s bad guy over-acting was restrained and amusing rather than over-the-top and silly. And did I have a lump in my throat at the end? Yes I did. Because I’m a big softie.

I don’t think I would have gone to see it on my own, but with young kids, it’s great.

The trailer looked good, the reviews looked terrible. So what did I think? Well, it’s a film of moments. It has lots of decent, and even some quite good moments. But there is just no way to link them all together. The plot makes no sense, and I don’t say that lightly. There is literally no reason why anything should happen the way it does, or why the characters act the way they do. It’s as if the laws of cause and effect were suspended for the duration of its production.

That said, if you’re willing to sit back and enjoy the moments, you’ll find a lot to like in the Thing (Michael Chiklis) and the Human Torch (Chris Evans). Following their accident in space, they have the most extreme reactions to their new-found powers: the Thing struggling to cope with his loss of humanity, and the Torch determined to wring every last drop of fun out of his abilities. These roles give Chiklis and Evans the best material to play with, and they actually do quite well with it.

In comparison, Ioan Gruffudd as Mr Fantastic and Jessica Alba as the Invisible Girl take themselves way too seriously, and spend the whole film trying to one-up each other as to who can produce the best expression of earnest concern. Even Julian McMahon as the bad guy isn’t particularly memorable. Oh, you’re metal? How interesting.

I can’t see myself watching this a second time, even when it comes around on TV. It’s only really worth watching the first time if you like superhero movies, and have a couple of hours with nothing better to do.

Occasionally quite funny, but mostly silly. Confusing plot, with gaping holes, and it left me unable to take the ending seriously. Memorable for the “Bad cop, no donut!” sex scene, but little else.

(This quick review is part of my September 2005 “clearing the decks” exercise.)